Let's talk about change,

because I don't deal with it very well.

(And also, this does mean I'm back for good. I swear to God (Yes, I did just capitalize that. Going back to my Heritage Christian preschool roots?) I am going to keep this thing updated.)

So let's begin with the usual rundown of all the stuff I've done since my last real post. Actually, after looking at the last post I would call "real," I kind of figure that that in itself would take up a whole post. And nobody wants to read about that.

So, change. Change. I tried looking for a good definition to throw in, but there wasn't really any that fit what I was looking for. Maybe the "to pass from one phase to another" one. Because that's the one I have the most problems with.
For the most part, I can handle change internally. Going from grade to grade never bothers me. Neither does changing schools. Changes in others rarely bother me, with some obvious exceptions. But it's the changes that directly affect my life, more specifically my social life, that get to me.
As we all know, the school year is over, unless you go to year-round school, but that's another blog to be written. And usually, the end of school is a great thing. It means freedom from teachers, homework, bitchy popular girls you would rather not see on a daily basis, "friends" who you used to love seeing on a daily basis, creepy guys, cute guys you don't have a chance in hell with who seem to be placed in your classes purely to taunt you, and all that school related stress. But this year, happy is not a word I would use to describe my end of year feelings. Of course, I didn't expect a HSM2 end of school moment (thought I would have enjoyed it), I just expected to feel some kind of relief. But instead, I crashed headfirst into what I like to call post-senior depression.
Now, after my post-Potter depression, I wasn't sure if I could ever be so down in the dumps. But alas, post-senior depression proved to be even worse that the end of my favorite fictional series ever.
Of course, this whole thing could have been avoided by me not getting onto the paper staff as a sophomore. I could have NOT met some of the most amazing people to grace this planet, NOT made some of the most excellent friends in the history of forever, NOT had the best year of school I could imagine. But when I think about I gained, I think the loss is a little more bearable.
For anyone who truly knew me before and after my Nordic experience, it is apparent that I am not the same little freshman who went blindly into that interview and spilled her guts about her desperation to get a boyfriend in front of the co-editors and then-adviser, Jen.
I think the most startling change appeared after the mind blowing three days at jcamp. At that time, I was going to see a group math tutor bi-weekly, and she noticed the change right off the bat. During a break in the class, she would usually pull out the snacks, and while the boys ambled off to the ping pong table and the girls stuffed their faces with chips, Nancy, the tutor would strike up a conversation with anyone willing that would eventually consume the entire rooms attention. Before jcamp, I had sat on the outskirts, looking the picture of teen angst, rolling my eyes and texting my friends about how unimaginably lame this dumb math tutoring was.
But after jcamp, I found myself leading the discussion. Nancy actually pulled me aside and expressed interest in what is was that had brought me out of my shell. With a smile, I was able to honestly answer with one word, "jcamp."

Jcamp was where I met Dan (still a dear, dear friend of mine) along with a few others who have completely changed my outlook on life. Namely, Sam, Jacob, Kiku, Rachel, Angela,
Alec and Amy. Yes, there were more at the camp, but these few were the ones that have really made an impact. Sam, Rachel and Angela kind of take on older sister roles while Kiku, Alec and Amy make every day a bit more of an adventure of the mind. And Jacob? Well, Jacob just makes my life a whole lot better purely by being alive and being my friend.
Something about the atmosphere at camp mixed with the feeling of gaining a second family really got to me. All of a sudden, I forgot I was the youngest and forgot I was the outsider, because suddenly, I had become part of the whole. But what I didn't realize was that the whole wasn't even complete.
A number of staff members had not gone to camp. And some of them became just as important as the ones from camp. Mostly Peter. But also Breanne and Ian. But mostly Peter. Peter is in the same category as Jacob as far as pretty much making my world go round. But he was also the most, how shall I say this... Willing to keep me in my place and remind me I was a sophomore? But he also gave some of the greatest advice. Ian doesn't even get a category, because he is Ian. If you know Ian, you know what I'm talking about. And Breanne (after a rocky start during my annoyingly long crush on Peter (OH HOLY SHIT IT'S OUT! Might as well throw out that I had the hots for Jacob for quite some time (read: also annoyingly long) as well, because this is my blog, and I speak my thoughts and secrets and feelings and God knows what else.)) became one of my closest and most trusted gal-pals.
And with all of these amazing people behind me, I became someone I can truly be proud of.

And here's where change comes in. Change like that which I saw in myself, and which others saw, is good. I like that kind of change. Everyone likes that kind of change, which is why we call it a positive change, or a change for the better, such as Draco Malfoy's change of heart at the end of the series, or finding out Snape was good. But then, there is negative change, like Dumbledore or Sirius or Lupin OR ONE OF THE OTHER AMAZING CHARACTERS WHICH WERE SO RUDELY KILLED OFF. I apologise, sometimes post-Potter depression makes me so angry.

Change. This terrible thing which takes away the people who have made you this great person. Also known as graduation. But I'll stick with change for now. But the worst part about this particular change is that while you're incredibly depressed because you know they'll be gone, you're incredibly proud of them for becoming such great people on their own, people you know will do so well for themselves. And so while you're sobbing your eyes out over their messages scribbled in your yearbook, you have this happiness inside you. Because you know she'll be a brilliant actress, and she'll be a stellar photographer, and his writing career will be the stuff of legends, and he can do whatever the hell he puts his mind to.
And so you put on your happy face, and tell them to stay in touch (while you are really trying to say, "If you don't keep in touch with me, I will cyberstalk the hell out of you.") and watch them go off to find out what life is really like after high school. And I will forever think of them as my seniors.


That was possibly (probably) the best blog post I've ever done. I think I shall reward myself with ice cream.

Big news!

Jaykay. This isn't big news, but it could be.

I've got another co-blog in the works. Which should be cool, because this time my co-author is someone who spends just as much time on the web as I do. Which is a lot.

And also- I'm going to try and keep this blog going as well. Because Artur has set some ground rules which pretty much rule out any of my normal type of blogging, this will stay on as my ranting, I've had a bad day, OMG the Jonas brothers are SO cute, etc. blog. And also hopefully I'll have some more interesting content on here as well. LOL.

Anyhoo, I'm sorry I've been gone so long, because I know y'all missed me so darn much!
(Because in reality I'm pretty much talking to an empty room here because no one reads this. Ah well.)

Maybe something interesting will happen soon, and I'll actually have something to talk about.

Hopefully.