Hey, world?

That last post? I guess you didn't read it. I'm still having the same problem.

Dear World,

You are cruel. Did I do something to you that justifies the fact that you seem to do everything possible to keep me from all of the eligible men? I mean, sure, maybe I spent too much of my time doing community service with disabled children during the summer between 9th and 10th grade. Or maybe it's the fact that I try to look for the best in people before judging them that makes you dislike me so much. Possibly it's because I look forward to being a mother because I love nothing more than taking care of people? Actually, no. It's probably the fact that I've never tasted alcohol, smoked anything, or even attempted to try drugs besides the prescribed amount of Tylenol, Tums, Advil (if there isn't Tylenol), Sudafed (if I'm really sick) and whatever it was they gave me for my strep throat and chicken pox. Or maybe it's because I've never done anything with a guy ever? Maybe you're punishing me for my total virginity? I don't know World. Whatever I've done in the past - maybe it's my openness? Or my good natured humor? - I'm sorry that I pissed you off. So please, let me meet a nice guy who's single?

Yours,
Jessica

Dear Summer,

So long, so long. Hand out the window, just a flip of the wrist and I'm waving you goodbye.
Dashboard Confessional put it so well - it describes exactly how I feel. I'm in a car, heading toward the future. All I have to do is blink and I'll be starting my senior year. Wow Summer. You're just about gone.
I'll miss you. I'll miss your warmth and cheer. I'll miss that palpable aura of freedom that just seems to envelope people during their time with you. I'll miss all of the people you've been so kind in helping me get together with before they head to college. You're wonderful at bringing people together - which is possibly what I love best about you.
Sure, we had our hard times too. I mean, sometimes I just feel like you're too hot for me. I'm a pretty chill person, so I'm sorry that I've been so adamant about making sure how much more I like Autumn. But let's face it - she may be cooler than you, and she may be a bit prettier (in my opinion) but she comes with so much baggage! Where you're carefree and always so quick to run off, she can seem like a downer at times, and can kind of drag on and on.
You've helped me experience so many things, and I love your for that. Some not so wonderful like swimming through mounds of dead flies at the lake (is that your idea of a joke?! Disgusting.). But you redeemed yourself every time I got to sunbathe with Allison and Alexis or the time I got to sit on a bench in the middle of the forest in the pouring rain with Joe - those wouldn't have been possible without you.
Now you're almost gone - packing up, getting ready for Autumn to come and take your place. I've already seen signs of her- brown leaves here and there when she just seems to scatter them.
I'm going to miss you with your sunny disposition - but I'm not going to miss your hot-headedness. I've been burned by that too many times to count.
So have a good time going wherever you go. You'll be in Australia around Christmas, right? Send me a postcard! You've been good to me, I won't forget that.
See you next year,
Jess

I kind of miss blogging.

Having a Tumblr kind of takes its place, but it's not the same.
I only started thinking about it this evening because I'm doing a 30 day letter challenge on Tumblr, and today's challenge was about 'your best internet friend.'
And I really had to think. I have met a lot of people on the internet, but I wouldn't really call any of them my friends - they're just people I know.

So I thought of Charlie.
It's been years since we were in contact. She must be... Preparing for her first or second year of college now, I would think. Reading back through her comments, I can see why I blogged so often. In the same way it is easier to act in front of a respectful, attentive audience, it is easier to blog when you know you have someone there who wants to read what you write.
Other people comment now and then, but Charlie was different. Her comments were almost as long as the posts, and I was always pleased to see them.
I don't know where she is, or what she's doing, or if she made a new blog, or if she moved overseas, or even if she died. But I still have the memory of IMing her while I waited for to find out if a boy I was crazy about liked me. She was there for me what others weren't. And that makes her a friend.

I miss you, Charlie, if you're still out there.
Thanks for the memories.

Do what you love

and fuck the rest.

Failure.

I guess I've never felt failure before. Sure, I've failed assignments, but those have never mattered to me. But failing at something I love so much, something that is such a huge part of my life, it's not something I would wish on anyone.

The feeling that you aren't good enough. That regardless of the fact that you've worked so hard, and put yourself out there so much, and that you've changed everything about yourself, that you've spent two whole years of your life dreaming and preparing, you didn't make it.

It's been a long time since I've cried this hard at school. Last time I was on the verge of a suspension. This time, I was watching my dreams slip through my fingers and into someone else's. And the worst part about it, the very worst part, is that I thought I had it. I was confident, both outside, which I generally am, but also inside for the first time since 6th grade.

I felt prepared, and I felt like I actually deserved it. I worked so hard. I had the experience. I had ideas, and I was passionate, and I thought I had support. And I did. So many people backed me, and I am so, so grateful to them. But it wasn't enough.

And so I cried. And I am crying. And I will cry for some time. And I will put on a brave face, and cry on the inside. And I will continue to do my very best, and I will try to teach, and inspire, and I will keep on going. But it will never be the same. As hard as I try to move past it, it will always be there. That I didn't make it. That I just wasn't good enough.

But I'm glad I at least got the chance, and I got to see how many people believe in me. It just wasn't enough.

lovely.

I was running through some old blog posts (I'm talking OLD, like anyone who reads this now would have no clue what I'm going on about in them with my code-names and whatnot.) And I discovered that I was a whiny little bitch. And I'm sorry for subjecting any of you to that. I think, at the time, it was an attempt on my part to seem deep and interesting, but not it just comes off needy and pathetic when I read it. Which really goes to show how much I've grown up over the last year or so. I feel like I might have done more growing (mentally and spiritually and all that good stuff) this past year than I've done in a long time. I feel like I've been the same person for such a long time - reliable old Jess, she's responsible, she's intelligent but doesn't live up to her potential, she's idealistic to a fault, she's got a wild side that comes out with the right mix of sleep-drunkenness, sugar and caffeine, she's always there, she's pretty stable as far as teenage girls go - that now that I really take a look at myself, I can see the changes. I'm so much more serious, I smile less when there isn't a direct reason to smile, I find myself backing away from certain friendships that I thought were going places, I'm rethinking my opinions on politics and people and the world, I'm changing into another person, slowly but surely, and I'm wondering how I'll end up.

I guess it's the same idea as someone always just wondering, in the back of their mind how they'll look when they "grow up". I'm still very interested to see how I look when I've fully matured. I don't expect a massive change on anything, just maybe a little sharpening of my features and the like. I just wonder how everything will fall into place. And at one point, if someone had offered to let me see into the future, see who I would become, what I would do, things like that, I would have jumped at the chance. And now, I'm not so sure. I feel like maybe I would rather leave it to fate. Fate is an idea I've been toying with a lot more recently. I am beginning to like the idea that maybe there's a set path for me - and I can veer off that path, or change it midway through, but I will always have a path to follow, whether I realize it or not. I used to be a strong believer in "I can change my destiny! There are no set paths! I can do whatever the hell I want!" school of thought. But as I'm getting older, I'm starting to like the idea that it's not all up to me, and that some outside force might be helping me along. And I'm not talking about God with a capital G. I'm more interested in the idea of gods - specifically the Greek Gods. But I hate people talking about religion, so I won't go and do it now.

I've also been listening to show tunes. Think: Phantom of the Opera, Into the Woods, Wicked, Hairspray, RENT. This has nothing to do with the above content, I thought I would just throw it in here to spice the whole thing up a bit.