I guess I've never felt failure before. Sure, I've failed assignments, but those have never mattered to me. But failing at something I love so much, something that is such a huge part of my life, it's not something I would wish on anyone.
The feeling that you aren't good enough. That regardless of the fact that you've worked so hard, and put yourself out there so much, and that you've changed everything about yourself, that you've spent two whole years of your life dreaming and preparing, you didn't make it.
It's been a long time since I've cried this hard at school. Last time I was on the verge of a suspension. This time, I was watching my dreams slip through my fingers and into someone else's. And the worst part about it, the very worst part, is that I thought I had it. I was confident, both outside, which I generally am, but also inside for the first time since 6th grade.
I felt prepared, and I felt like I actually deserved it. I worked so hard. I had the experience. I had ideas, and I was passionate, and I thought I had support. And I did. So many people backed me, and I am so, so grateful to them. But it wasn't enough.
And so I cried. And I am crying. And I will cry for some time. And I will put on a brave face, and cry on the inside. And I will continue to do my very best, and I will try to teach, and inspire, and I will keep on going. But it will never be the same. As hard as I try to move past it, it will always be there. That I didn't make it. That I just wasn't good enough.
But I'm glad I at least got the chance, and I got to see how many people believe in me. It just wasn't enough.