lovely.

I was running through some old blog posts (I'm talking OLD, like anyone who reads this now would have no clue what I'm going on about in them with my code-names and whatnot.) And I discovered that I was a whiny little bitch. And I'm sorry for subjecting any of you to that. I think, at the time, it was an attempt on my part to seem deep and interesting, but not it just comes off needy and pathetic when I read it. Which really goes to show how much I've grown up over the last year or so. I feel like I might have done more growing (mentally and spiritually and all that good stuff) this past year than I've done in a long time. I feel like I've been the same person for such a long time - reliable old Jess, she's responsible, she's intelligent but doesn't live up to her potential, she's idealistic to a fault, she's got a wild side that comes out with the right mix of sleep-drunkenness, sugar and caffeine, she's always there, she's pretty stable as far as teenage girls go - that now that I really take a look at myself, I can see the changes. I'm so much more serious, I smile less when there isn't a direct reason to smile, I find myself backing away from certain friendships that I thought were going places, I'm rethinking my opinions on politics and people and the world, I'm changing into another person, slowly but surely, and I'm wondering how I'll end up.

I guess it's the same idea as someone always just wondering, in the back of their mind how they'll look when they "grow up". I'm still very interested to see how I look when I've fully matured. I don't expect a massive change on anything, just maybe a little sharpening of my features and the like. I just wonder how everything will fall into place. And at one point, if someone had offered to let me see into the future, see who I would become, what I would do, things like that, I would have jumped at the chance. And now, I'm not so sure. I feel like maybe I would rather leave it to fate. Fate is an idea I've been toying with a lot more recently. I am beginning to like the idea that maybe there's a set path for me - and I can veer off that path, or change it midway through, but I will always have a path to follow, whether I realize it or not. I used to be a strong believer in "I can change my destiny! There are no set paths! I can do whatever the hell I want!" school of thought. But as I'm getting older, I'm starting to like the idea that it's not all up to me, and that some outside force might be helping me along. And I'm not talking about God with a capital G. I'm more interested in the idea of gods - specifically the Greek Gods. But I hate people talking about religion, so I won't go and do it now.

I've also been listening to show tunes. Think: Phantom of the Opera, Into the Woods, Wicked, Hairspray, RENT. This has nothing to do with the above content, I thought I would just throw it in here to spice the whole thing up a bit.

OhEmGee, I'm lyk, BACK!

Not that I was gone. But whatevs.

Maybe I would enjoy French more if they taught us practical stuff, like how to be like this guy.
But then again, that's not in french. And for some reason, everything we do has to be in french.

Maybe I would just be better off taking a course on Monty Python and other Amazing British Comedies.

How cool would that be? "What are you majoring in, Jess?" "Oh, MP and other ABC." "Wow, sounds complex and rewarding." "Fo sho." I would eventually have to teach the course. And that would be the best job ever.

"What are we going to do today, Professor?" "Oh, I was thinking we could watch Holy Grail again, only with the speed doubled so they sound like chipmunks." "Ok, cool. I'll take copious notes. And may I say, you look really good today. Very professor chic." "Fo sho." I would be the best professor ever. Hands down. Except for maybe the vast majority of the Hogwarts teachers. Except like, Quirrell and that beezy Umbridge who always wore pink. I wouldn't be as good as Dumbledore or Snape or Lupin. But I would still be pretty darn good.

So I was going to talk about how much I love drama/theater, but in searching for a good picture to go with drama, I found a LLAMA! (Alpaca, actually.) And it was SO CUTE! Which reminded me that I should inform y'all of my new life goals.
But first, ISN'T THAT LITTLE ALPACA SOOOO CUTE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?! He's just so fluffy and adorable. You just want to squeeze him and tell him he's cute and feed him hay and grass and then knit him a sweater and then make him into a sweater and oh my goodness.
His cute levels are almost too high. And I have no clue what that girl is doing, except for asking to be spit on. I mean, really. She's pretty much staring into his mouth. Which is a bad idea with animals that spit. But maybe she's too young to know that. Or maybe she likes spit. Ew.

So I want to go into agriculture of some sort. My goal would be to work with animals, with a focus on fiber animals (sheep, llamas, alpacas, yaks, etc.) As you can see, I make a stunning farmer (after an hour of intense photoshop magic. The only thing I forgot was a sheep dog. Drat.) And of course whenever I say "I want to go into agriculture!" Everyone goes "Um, double-you-tee-eff? You want to be a farmer?" And then I go on and on about the fiber industry, and eventually people start to just accept the idea and get over the fact that I'm just a city girl with no farm experience.

Well. I'm pretty much blogged out for the day. I've just been thinking about how I miss telling y'all about myself.

Sigh.

the boy in the striped pajamas

Sad. Unfathomably sad.

So guess what?

I turn 17 in three days.

And I'm not all that excited. And I really didn't have a big wish list this year. I'm pretty content. I wouldn't mind having someone come and clean my room, that would be a nice gift. And not the kind of cleaning mom offers, the kind where she gets to throw out anything she doesn't think I need. What she doesn't seem to realize is that everything in my room has a purpose or a meaning, and I love it.

Which means my room is still a complete mess. Whatever.
I'm going to a friend's going away party today. It made me miss all my graduated seniors even more. Darn.

I have three days of being 16 left. And I'm probably going to spend them playing massive amounts of Harvest Moon: Another Wonderful Life on my GameCube. Yay for imaginary farming!

Oh journalism camp, my only true love.

As I write this, I am listening to Aqualung's 'Strange & beautiful' (The "Jacob Wipf song," don't ask why. I really have no clue why it makes me think of him.) on repeat, so you can expect this to be a bit... I don't know. Just keep it in mind.

Let's start with the negatives.

1. Shitty dorms: We got stuck in the crappy old dorms built in 1913 because they were painting the nice ones. By 'we' I mean the girls.
   
2. Asbestos in the shitty dorms: There was literally a warning sticker on the back of my door telling me not to disturb the ceiling.
   
3. Showers in the shitty dorms: Communal with minimal curtains. Not fun.
   
4. Nasty food: There seemed to be a different kind of food that looked a good bit like vomit every day. I had a lot of plain old salad.
5. Missing all my seniors and feeling guilty about not missing them when I was having a really good time: Self-explanatory.

And now for the positives.

1. New friends: I met some people from another school that I spend a good deal of time hanging out with (read: stalking). But really, they're pretty cool.
   
2. Journalism in general: I love it. I really do. Every time I do an event like this, I realize just how much I love this industry.
   
3. Sports writing in particular: I look a smaller class (minor session) on sports writing, and realized that it might actually be fun to do.
   
4. REALLY AWESOME NEW STAFF!: They're all super. And awesome. And I love them all.
   
5. My maternal instincts being tested numerous times: I often felt like a mother hen as I watched a mass of girls follow me around the campus, because for some reason, I never got lost. And so they followed me. And at one point, I actually stood in a sprinkler, blocking it, while the other girls ran to the safety of dryer ground. My shirt was rather soaked, but I really felt like I had done something good. And at another point, I found myself literally herding girls out of the path of a firetruck that they all seemed not to see.
   
6. Cute journalism guys: There seem to be a good few of them. And I can pick a hot guy out of a room in an instant. It's like I have a built in radar.
7. Learning that I'm an awesome dancer: I was not aware of this. I still don't believe that my awkward mix of interpretive dance mixed with moves made up in my bedroom after 1 am is all that impressive. But it was enough that the majority of the staff came to watch me. Which was weird. Our staff was actually the first group on the dance floor. Let me tell you this - there is nothing more startling than dancing with a group of people, doing your own thing, having a good time, and then looking up, and realizing that the majority of the people are watching you, and mirroring your moves. I could never be a dance instructor. And also - I love dancing with gay guys.
8. Group karaoke: Aint no mountain high enough to keep the Nordic staff off that stage.
   
9. Junk food, junk food, junk food: Is it possible to get the freshman 15 just from being on a college campus? I might be well on my way there...
   

I'm tired. But happy.

GrumbleGrumbleGrumbleANGST.

What an imaginative title I've come up with, eh? And also- all this anonymous commenting is getting a bit out of hand.

So yeah, the angst is back. Brought on by, what else?, parents. And driver's ed. Ugh. And the combination of the tow is just deadly. Because I don't like driving. Not a bit. And my parents make it 30x more stressful just being there. It's like, YES, I see the car. NO, I am not going to hit it. YES, I see the stop light, I am stopped, duh. Because I mean, I am by no means a good driver. I still have trouble remembering which way the signal thingy goes. And as much as I try, I still can't do the SMOG (signal, mirror, mirror, over shoulder, go) thing the correct way. And the fact that I was almost hit on my last drive means mother has to have a spaz attack every time the subject is breached. I'm so over this bullshit. I need to blow this popsicle stand, like, now.

But luckily, salvation has come just in time in the form of journalism camp. YES! It's that time of year again, and I am promising, here and now -HOLD ME TO THIS- that there will not be another Dan. There can only be one Dan. And one Dan is plenty for one life time. (if you haven't a clue what I'm blathering on about, go through my old posts until you get to this time last year.... Or don't. I've def. improved as a writer in that time. I think.)

But I will be blathering (love that word today) on about pretty much everything else. And I will admit, I've got a few romantic prospects lined up already, and I'm just waiting to see how it all plays out.

I did end up going to coffee with Jacob and Peter, as well as Shannon, who is lovely in every way. It was very nice. And informative. I learned bunches. Yay for all having blogs!

And I have drivers ed in the morning (blech), but then I'm going ice skating with my pals, and then the next morning, I will be on my way to camp! I was trying to describe my excitement level to my friends today, and they didn't get it. It's not jumping up and down screeching excited, it's this rolling boil inside of me that keeps threatening to spill over. What a great description.

And also - more angst caused by friends I may have been friends with for too long. Ugh, long story I'm not willing to tell. I need sleep, and my ribs hurt (they always hurt these days. Why?!) so I am going to take some Tylenol and settle down for.... 6 hours of sleep at the most. And a little less angst because I've dropped a friend who was causing me a lot of internal turmoil.

Well, hope you all have a really great few days. I know I will. Or at least I'm really hoping I do.

Cheers.

Today

I toured my city. But this time, I actually really enjoyed myself.

I went with friends, not family, and didn't have an agenda. Except for at one point, when the agenda was: FIND THE GOD DAMNED FOUNTAIN, IT IS TOO GOD DAMNED HOT. We walked through 'the wrong part of town' and then stopped at a 7-11, got our slurpee on, and then trudged forth in the really lovely heat. We made lots of friends, a couple of which were completely nuts and talked to themselves. A few were completely blazed and just gazed at us longingly as we passed. One of them followed us and called "wait! wait!" Obviously we sped up. One really cool dude at the back of the bus was listening to our conversation and kept talking to me about things I was saying. Example: me: (sarcastic) "Wow, That's a pretty awesome park." him: "that there's a dog park. there are people parks, and dog parks. that's a dog park if i know one." me: (smile) "Ha.... ha.... yes."

Between getting completely soaked in the fountain, eating a massive slice of pizza, napping in the shade and the grass, playing HELLA games at GameWorks, and riding way too many buses for my liking, we all survived. And it just kind of made me really glad to be alive and to have such great, genuine friends. And it also made me sunburned. <3