lovely.

I was running through some old blog posts (I'm talking OLD, like anyone who reads this now would have no clue what I'm going on about in them with my code-names and whatnot.) And I discovered that I was a whiny little bitch. And I'm sorry for subjecting any of you to that. I think, at the time, it was an attempt on my part to seem deep and interesting, but not it just comes off needy and pathetic when I read it. Which really goes to show how much I've grown up over the last year or so. I feel like I might have done more growing (mentally and spiritually and all that good stuff) this past year than I've done in a long time. I feel like I've been the same person for such a long time - reliable old Jess, she's responsible, she's intelligent but doesn't live up to her potential, she's idealistic to a fault, she's got a wild side that comes out with the right mix of sleep-drunkenness, sugar and caffeine, she's always there, she's pretty stable as far as teenage girls go - that now that I really take a look at myself, I can see the changes. I'm so much more serious, I smile less when there isn't a direct reason to smile, I find myself backing away from certain friendships that I thought were going places, I'm rethinking my opinions on politics and people and the world, I'm changing into another person, slowly but surely, and I'm wondering how I'll end up.

I guess it's the same idea as someone always just wondering, in the back of their mind how they'll look when they "grow up". I'm still very interested to see how I look when I've fully matured. I don't expect a massive change on anything, just maybe a little sharpening of my features and the like. I just wonder how everything will fall into place. And at one point, if someone had offered to let me see into the future, see who I would become, what I would do, things like that, I would have jumped at the chance. And now, I'm not so sure. I feel like maybe I would rather leave it to fate. Fate is an idea I've been toying with a lot more recently. I am beginning to like the idea that maybe there's a set path for me - and I can veer off that path, or change it midway through, but I will always have a path to follow, whether I realize it or not. I used to be a strong believer in "I can change my destiny! There are no set paths! I can do whatever the hell I want!" school of thought. But as I'm getting older, I'm starting to like the idea that it's not all up to me, and that some outside force might be helping me along. And I'm not talking about God with a capital G. I'm more interested in the idea of gods - specifically the Greek Gods. But I hate people talking about religion, so I won't go and do it now.

I've also been listening to show tunes. Think: Phantom of the Opera, Into the Woods, Wicked, Hairspray, RENT. This has nothing to do with the above content, I thought I would just throw it in here to spice the whole thing up a bit.