Lets talk about this amazing guy at J-Camp.

And how epicly amazing he was.

A quick explanation: I am joining my school paper staff next year (only sophomore.) and so I went to journalism camp, where you learn the tricks of the trade, bond with your staff and meet amazing people.

That's what I've been saying, "I met amazing people." But what I'm really saying is "I met an amazing person, but I don't want to sound creepy (though I am Deputy Creepy, so I'll just add in some of the people who I never really connected with when I'm gushing about this amazing person.)."

Anyone who is new and has read back a bit, and anyone who is old, and has read everything, this in NOT another cowboy. We are much closer in age, and can have a conversation throughout an entire quiet work period without getting shushed. I've been saying things like "we clicked." But it was more like I clicked with him, and he played along. Which was all I could ask for and more. We ended up exchanging information at the end of camp, and texted back and forth a few times. But I've also been saying "There is a 75-90% chance nothing will ever happen between us." Which would usually crush me, depress me and really just trow me down the hill of pain into the river of woe. BUT. I have a new, positive mindset that I picked up at J-camp, and I am now perfectly happy about my life, and just about everything in it. (Except of course for the fact that my self-proclaimed 'lover' and i will never amount to anything than occasional email buddies. That hurts, but I'll live. I've had worse.) But a last word on Dan. Yes, I'm using an actual name this time. It just feels important enough. He called me cute. Now, many girls would be like "Oh, gee, thanks. *eye roll*" But I don't get that kind of stuff. Ever. And the best thing was that it was so casual I am still wondering if it was a slip up on his part. HE might not even remember it.

After obsessing over another guy's hair for an entire day (he MUST use conditioner) Dan said at one point, "Someone should tell him cute girls like his hair." And inside, I think I felt my heart attempt to rip itself from my chest to find it's way into his possession. And although he did get a significant part, I couldn't give it all away. Not when chances are so slim. Not when there is so much of a chance things won't happen. I wouldn't want to return to that sad, shell of a person I become when that kind of thing happens.

And I write all this in hopes that he reads it. Which is strange, and slightly scary. Because it's a bit like handing the love of your sad little high school life your diary, filled by the play-by-play of your adoration for him, and then standing there while he reads it, watching his eyes grow wider and wider in horror, until he shoves it back into your heartbroken arms and runs like an Olympic gold medalist. But really, I want him to know that however short, and seemingly childish and sarcastic our relationship was, it meant a lot to me. Which is truly a sad little school-girl thing to say, but it's the truth. And though I tell myself repeatedly to stop imagining what could be, or could have been, it always happens. Somewhere, my brain is thinking "but this is what she really wants." And it is, but I can't start doing that again. I don't want to feel that way again. Ever. That sense of helplessness, and hopelessness. But I know I will, and if I can push it farther into the future when I'm more mentally stable, then so be it.

So if you read this Dan, you are amazing. I hope this whole thing lives up to my title, because you have to admit, it's a bit creepy. You are a fantastic, adorable, hilarious, breath-taking guy, and fabulously "fruity" and I was so lucky to get to experience that for the short time that I got to. Truly, I am. And that whole "It was a delight to meet you," thing was my way of not making things awkward and emotional, on my part, at least. So, just know that, I am always up for a few hours of telephone, no matter how dirty it is, or how many times Matt ends up in it. (Your staff/friends was/were amazing too, absolutely terrific.) I'm always just a phone call away.

And now to put the 'total creeper' cherry on top, I'm emailing him with the web address. Now, I must have an emotional death wish. Ah well.

The best to everyone. Sorry for my tantrum a while back, about no one reading. I have known that sad fact for a while, I guess I just realized it then. But I write for me now. Which is good.

Love,
jess